Getting Older , But Not Wiser
by rachgreengeller
Summary: Chandler , Joey and Ross aren't the same lovable twenty somethings anymore, they have kids , and are married , and horror of horrors , they are getting older
1. Chapter 1

Okay I can just hear everyone now..another one when is she going to update. As I explained before, I read to update and then I get an idea for another story. This is based on an episode of Yes Dear but it got me to thinking…plus I hope you will enjoy…Getting Older, but not Wiser…

These characters are not mine , they are the property of Bright Kaufmann Crane Productions…but I request two of them…Ross for me and for my sis ..the Chan Man…

Chapter One..Is it Just Me?

Chandler stepped in front of the large mirror in the bathroom.It was his usual morning ritual, shave and shower. He stared at the man who was looking back at him in the mirror. Like him, he had a face full of lather and a towel wrapped around his torso. Lifting the razor to his face, he saw it. The lights around the mirror had reflected it even more. He put down the razor and then examined it more closely. Right in the middle of his sandy brown hair it stood up and announced one thing. It was saying he was not the carefree twenty something anymore . Chandler Muriel Bing was getting old.

"I am going to shave too." Jack announced as he came running into the bathroom to see his Dad. He was wearing his pajamas that his father wasn't that crazy about. The flannel jammies were covered with all different species of dinosaurs. Chandler just shook his head and laughed at his son. "Okay, Jackie, here we go ." The blue eyes and blonde haired boy pretended with an old razor that his father had given him to stroke his chin as he shaved. A wide streak had been left on Chandler's face , indicating that he had been cut. Blood oozed from the nick.

"Damnit!" he cursed. Monica came running. "Hey watch the language!" she said as she ran into the bathroom. "Oh would you excuse me, I am sorry, am I bleeding to death too loud for you?" he yelled. Pulling the toilet paper from the roll, he tore a piece and placed it on his chin. He patted it to stick to the wet face. Monica could only stare in the mirror at the man in front of her. He was fine. The towel really didn't leave that much to the imagination. She secretly grinned. Chandler had started to work out again and she knew it. His arms were muscular and his stomach a little flatter. She entwined her tiny arms around his biceps and smiled. "I am sorry baby, my you look good today! You have been working out after work , haven't you?" She put her face next to his chest and hummed. Well, at least he still had the body, he thought. Jack just stared at his mom and dad and then ran out of the bathroom.

"I'm sorry hon," Ross apologized for the fourth time. Rachel just sighed and closed her robe up. Emma had been taken to school and the two of them had planned to have a day together. Rachel just couldn't understand it lately. When they first got married, sex was the only thing on Ross's mind. She couldn't take a shower or get undressed without him ready to pounce on her. Then she got pregnant with Ryan and her body changed again. Her breasts got larger and Ross got hornier. There was six weeks of no sex following his birth and then it was like the floodgates opened and the two couldn't get enough of each other. Now lately, Ross had no interest in her. She would dress up for him and read her Nora Bing books, but then he would just shrug his shoulders and just pick up one of his paleontology books.

"Am I losing it?" Rachel thought as she watched her husband walk away. "Or maybe it is another woman?" That thought stirred her to the bone. She wanted to think after the whole "We were on a break " issue that cheating was one word that she would never hear him say again. Both of them were very attractive, and yet she was in a business populated with gay men. On the other hand, as a college professor, he was surrounded by little sex starved nymphets who would love to have sex with their professor as some sort of a misplaced father figure fixation. And the worst part was that he had dated on of his students before. Rachel walked in front of the mirror and looked down at her tanned , naked body. Her breasts were a little bigger , her stomach was still flat and she ran her fingers down the smooth skin on her legs. She had also gotten her hair dyed a lighter brown, almost blonde. What she noticed the most were the lines under her eyes." Maybe that is why he doesn't want me anymore? I am just the old ball and chain now. The thrill is gone and the chase is over." She thought. She grabbed her robe and then slowly walked to the bedroom and closed the door.

"Joey Tribbiani.' The casting agent announced as Joey strode into the door. He had to get this role . It had been quite a while since he had gotten a real juicy part. For some odd reason, the parts for action heroes weren't there so much anymore. Alex had told him that he would be on top again and just as any good husband, he believed her. He went to audition after audition and nothing. His agent, Bobbie , just would scratch her dried out blonde hair and mumble something about his boy band connections. Oh how he missed Estelle, she was an agent and she would always be the one who was the one in the beginning. He looked over at the others in the casting office, obviously they were guys who looked like they were in their late twenties and early thirties. He looked down at his own clothes, and then looked over at the others. He didn't belong here obviously. Then he started to remember the reviews in People for the cable movie he did. They used the term that most actors don 't want to heat, character actor. In Hollywood that term was reserved for a more distinguished and versatile actor. To Joey, it meant over the hill. He was cast in Deep Powder as the father of a teenaged girl, albeit a sexy one that he dated and slept with. But that was pre- Alex too.

The one thing that all the men had in common was one simple fact of nature. They weren't twenty somethings anymore. They were men on the way to middle aged. All of them could remember when their own fathers had reached this point in time. Jack bought a Porsche, Joey Sr. found a mistress, and Charles became Helena. The very thought shook them to the core. They were almost forty.

Next Chapter Two…. Rachel Tries Again…..


	2. Rachel Tries Again

The room was filled with candles from Pottery Barn as Rachel took the wine from the chiller. The cd player had several choices…one was the music from An Officer and a Gentleman and the other was the soundtracks from Jurassic Park and Star Wars. She opened the drawer and sighed as she tried to find the perfect outfit for seduction. Teddies, negligees, thongs, none of them seemed right.

"I just can't understand it." Ross moaned. "I have only wanted her my whole life and now I can't even get sexually excited around her. Or any woman for that matter." Chandler thought this was all hilarious, but it also scared him. "I remember when I wouldn't have sex with a woman for months at a time, but this is different. I am really scared, Chandler." Ross took a sip of his beer and then looked down. The guys no longer met at the familiar coffee shop, it was out of the way for them since they moved. Now they did what most middle aged men did , meet at the local bar and complain about their lives.

Is is any woman?" Chandler wondered. Maybe there was a way to find out if his friend was losing his drive. " I sit on my computer and look at these women and none of them turn me on." Ross said . "Do you think maybe I might be gay? I mean if anyone would know about that , I think it would be you." Ross didn't want to be a smart ass, but Chandler would know because of his own father.

"Why are you asking me? " Chandler protested. "Do I wear a sign that says just because I have a drag queen for a father, I know everything about the gay life style? Is is because I get pedicures and listen to show tunes? May I remind you that you have done some gay things in your time my friend. Real men don't go strutting around in leather pants or get fake tans." He smuggly said. "But you probably aren't gay."

"Then why don't I ? You know ?" Ross tried to be as delicate as possible.

"Able to boink your wife." Chandler was not as delicate as he could have been. "Did you ever think it might be psychological or something?" Ross did not take this well. "Are you saying that I might be sick? There is nothing wrong with me physically or mentally." He yelled as the other patrons of the bar . Chandler turned around with an embarrassed face. "Well I think it's time to leave now." He said as he led his friend from the bar.

"Maybe Joey can help?" Ross suggested. "I mean he knows all about sex and women , maybe this has happened to him before?"

"He'll probably suggest you go to a strip club. You know him."

Chandler knew he had an errand to run before he went home. But it was the last thing , he wanted Ross to know about. He was all weird about this Rachel sex stuff, he didn't need his problems too.

"That might not be a bad idea. Have a few beers, look at some hot women, and then let Rachel have her way with me. And then problem is solved and the Rossanator returns." Ross said with confidence.

"You do know that makes you sound like a dork, don't you?" Chandler said to his friend. "And do you think that my wife, your sister, is going to let me go to a strip club to look at women?'

"Tell her it was my idea. " Ross simply said.

"Then Rachel and Monica will both stand trial for killing their husbands." Chandler knew he had to leave. "I really have something to pick up , so I had better go." Chandler ran quickly to his car and drove to the pharmacy. This would solve the problem.

Rachel heard the door and she looked down at the skimpy costume. It would have and it was cute when they were dating, but now she was a mature woman. She unwrapped the robe to reveal the gold bikini. At one time, she wouldn't have done this because for some reason,it freaked Ross out. Here he had told her about how he wanted her to dress up as Princess Leia in the gold bikini in The Empire Strikes Back.Then one night as a surprise, she did it. All he could complain about was that "bastard" Chandler ruined my life. After she had gotten off the plane, years later, she had did it again for him. It was one of the best sex nights ever. Maybe this would do the trick.

He came in the door and he went to get a bottle of water. "Where's Emma and Ryan?" he asked as he took a sip. "My mother's. " Rachel called from the bedroom. "I have a surprise for you." She sang out. Ross curiously peered in the doorway. Rachel timidly came out of the bathroom with the robe draped around her. Ross nervously unloosened his tie and then swallowed. She poured each of them a glass of the merlot and then handed it to him.

"Prepare for a night you will not soon forget, Dr Geller.' She announced as she took a gulp of the wine for courage. She then untied the robe and huskily said. "Jedi Master, I am Jabbas prisoner, come rescue me." In one quick motion, the robe came off and Rachel was wearing the gold bikini with next to nothing but a silk skirt. "Pppprincess Leia." Ross stuttered as he looked at Rachel. He carefully moved his hands down her tanned body and began to kiss her passionately. Rachel began to squeal until he reached her private area. "Not again." She moaned. He immediately stopped. "I will be perfectly honest with you , hon. I think it might be something physical and I am going to have it checked out." Rachel pouted as she wrapped the robe back around her. "How about a movie? I am in the mood for Jurassic Park." Rachel threw her hands up in the air and decided to just be content sitting with her man. Hopefully their little problem would be over soon.

Chandler made sure he wasn't followed as he took the package into the bathroom. He locked the door and then opened the bags contents. Pulling out the bottle of lotion , he stared at it before he started to read. "For youthful looking hair." He must have forgot to lock it completely , because he saw a small pair of blue eyes peering through the door.

"Daddy whatcha doin?" Erica asked as she dragged her little purse behind her.

"Nothing sweetie." He said as he put the contents under the sink. Then he closed it. "Why don't I read you one of my favorites, The Velveteen Rabbit?" Erica curled her head under her father's shoulder as he sat down in the brown wicker rocker. He took out the ancient book and began to read to her. It was late, so when she fell asleep , he carried her to her bed . Jack was already asleep clutching his favorite stuffed dinosaur . He gazed at the two people in the world who changed his life forever. Then he sighed, and went to the bathroom to color his hair. He carefully took the paint brush and brushed the gray parts of his hair. After fifteen minutes, he felt like a new man. He was young again and there was only one way to show it.

She had talked about it in passing one day. A fireman had come to the apartment when Rachel burned down Phoebe's apartment. Looking at the handsome fireman, Monica turned to Chandler and said . "You would look in that." He never even thought of it again, until one night she was watching the movie "Backdraft." He went to the uniform supply store and the next day, he rented a uniform.

Chandler hopped in the car and went again to the costume store. This time , he bought it.

Monica was on the couch in the living room reading a book when she heard a tap on the window. Since it was late, she didn't know who it might be. She had no idea Chandler had left, so she was a little scared. Cautiously she walked over to the window , she peeked outside and a smile came to her face. She unlocked the window and then the fireman entered on his ladder holding a hose and an ax.

"I have come to save you." Chandler said like some kind of medieval hero. He was garbed in a yellow coat and boots and wearing a fireman's hat. He proceeded to lift her in his arms and then carry her to the bedroom. She ran her fingers through his hair after he took off his helmet. The helmet mussed it up in a sexy, tossled way. He had even smeared a little eyeliner on his face to make it seem he had came from a dangerous fire. Instead , she got caught up in the fantasy of her sexy Fireman Bing.

Next: Ross and Chandler go to a strip club…

PS Fireman Bing was for all you Mondler fans…especially you sis


	3. The Boys Go to a Strip CLub

As Ross and Chandler passed the seedier part of town, Ross looked in the window of a tatoo parlor and then looked at his own body. "What do you think of me getting a tattoo?" he asked Chandler. "Maybe that would make me feel manlier."

Chandler tried to stifle a giggle as he thought of his friend who hates needles sitting in a chair . He remembered his whole incident with the kiwi that Monica told him about and he also remembered how Ross protested when Rachel told him about her tattoo. That is, until he enjoyed it while they were dating.

"And what would you get as a tattoo? King of the geeks?" Chandler snickered as he drove the Porsche. Ross protested. "No, maybe I would get a dinosaur, something mean and fierce like a t rex. Or a lobster with two hearts with Rs in them. That would show Rachel how much I love her. But the tyrannosaurus rex would be so cool." He grinned.

"You are such a dork. A tattoo won't prove anything. This problem has to be solved by going to a doctor. Now let's go in ." Chandler said as he parked the car. Ross took one last look in the mirror as he smoothed down his hair with his hand. Chandler just shook his head.

Joey stood with the script in his hand. "I'm ready Daddy." The young actress said as she grinned at the actor to play her father. The scene was that she was getting married and he was getting ready to give his little girl away. In another time period, he would have given his famous line and then probably slept with the young ingénue. Of course, as a happily married man, he didn't do that anymore. But that didn't stop the girl, she had heard of his reputation around Hollywood and she wanted to go for a ride.

"That was great , Joey." The casting director said. "Now we will send over the contracts to Bobby and you can come in for publicity shots tomorrow. Congratulations." The casting director moved toward him and outstretched her hand. Joey smiled in an obligatory way. "Well, at least he had work for a little while again.' He thought as he looked at the woman.

The strip club was even more seedy then they thought it would be. Dim lighting and theatrical strobe lights illuminated the stage and the bar area. A huge bouncer stood guard as each of the waitresses served drinks in their tiny tank tops and short shorts. Some of these men looked like they hadn't been home for quite a while as they drank and then drooled at the tantalizing girls spinning and dancing just for them. Ross and Chandler pulled up a stool and then a red haired girl in a red tiny t shirt and shorts asked them what they wanted.

"I'll have a beer." Ross said as he continued to watch the girl up on the tiny stage.

"I'll have a scotch." Chandler said as he took the drink and made it disappear in one gulp. "That was for the courage I needed ." he replied. "When Monica finds out about this."

"You didn't tell her?" Ross exclaimed.

"Do you KNOW Monica ?" Chandler said with fear in his voice. "You mean you told Rachel." He said with surprise.

"Of course , I did. I told her it might help us, and that when I got home, she should prepare for a night of hot sex." Ross bragged. He looked over at the girl preparing to take the stage. "See? I think it is working already." He looked down at the crotch in his pants and confidently took a drink and smiled at the dancer. She smiled back at him as she danced over and began to place her leg over his.

"Want a lap dance?" she grinned. "I could really go for you, tall , dark and handsome. " she took her hands and rubbed them through his dark hair as she gyrated to the music. Ross just sat mesmerized and kept hoping that something , anything, would arouse him. He even closed his eyes and pretended that the girl was Rachel. This thought did bring a smile to his face. The girl stopped and then Ross pulled a twenty from his wallet for her.

"This will help pay for my tuition. Thanks." She said. Ross then pulled her back and gave her an extra twenty. "I am a college professor, so I totally support the pursuit of knowledge." The girl didn't know what to say , so she looked to see if anyone was looking and she planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Nothing?" Chandler asked. Ross just shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing." He said disappointed. "I guess the next step is the doctors."

"Do you think that your pediatrician can handle this?" he laughed at the memory of when Ross still visited a pediatrician when they had taken Emma to one. "I mean maybe puberty, but not a mid life crisis." Chandler wanted to laugh at one of his own jokes , until a raven haired beauty dressed as a harem girl threw her arm over him. He slowly turned around to see that the dancer looked just like the women that he was married to. Her hair was long and dark and her blue eyes sparkled like Mon's. "You just looked so lonely." She drawled with a Southern accent. "I can dance for you." Starting her dance, he help up his hand to stop her and then he pulled out a fifty. He could tell that the girl was very, very young and two things came to mind. He remembered the stories that Phoebe told of how she had to hustle and steal to survive when she first came to New York after her mother killed herself. He also thought of his own daughter, Erica and how she was probably the apple of her parents eye. It would kill him to think that Erica had to do this one day, so he helped out the young girl."Thank you sir." She smiled and then blew him a kiss.

"Let's get out of here." Chandler said. After he dropped off his brother in law, he stopped at the store for some wine. Monica was sitting on the couch reading a Martha Stewart book when she heard the door. He opened it and planted a deep kiss on her mouth.

"Have a nice time?" she said still engrossed in the book.

"You know your brother." He tried to brush it off as Ross's fault. Monica put the book down and looked at him. "No I don't know my brother that goes to strip joints. I might think that Joey would do something like that, but I always thought that my brother, was madly in love with his wife who he had fought so hard to get." Monica had obviously been told where her husband had gone.

"How did you ?" Chandler asked guiltily. "Rachel. She told me that they had been having some trouble in the bedroom and he thought that this might help them and you came along for support." Monica could appreciate the loyalty that he had for his friend. But he had still went to a bar to look at naked women and that angered her.

"I wasn't attracted to any of them." He said as he brushed her hair through his fingers. "None of them were as sexy as you.' He smiled and she just loved the way the crinkles around his mouth arched when he smiled at her. "I hope the kids are asleep, cause I don't want them to disturb us." He held out his hand and with the other turned out the light. She took the bag with the wine and as they kissed , they went upstairs to their room.

Rachel sat up in bed anxiously. Ryan was asleep in his crib and Emma in her room. She kept looking over at the clock , wishing that she would hear the door. Finally , she heard it and brushed the hair from her face. He had always said he didn't like it, because it covered her beautiful face.

Ross stood at the bottom of the landing. He took a breath and then started the climb up the stairs. He looked over at the pictures lining the stairwell. There it was , the happiest day of his life. His wedding day. Not the day he married Carol or Emily, but the day his dream came true. The two of them were still so young and smiling. Only the future was ahead of them. Births and promotions, a new house in Scarsdale. Rachel was radiant in her veil and he grinned like the happy man he was. He looked down at the floor and his pants and he wondered would he ever be that happy again? After hesitation, he climbed the stairs and headed to their bedroom.

"Hello my big strong, paleontologist." Rachel cooed as she moved to kiss him . He just frowned and changed his clothes to a pair of lounge pants and an NYU Faculty tee shirt. He pulled down the covers and then turned to her. "I am making an appointment tomorrow. Good night , honey." He then turned over and closed his eyes. In the corner of one of them , was a tiny tear. Rachel just rolled over and went to sleep.

Next: What the doctor said…


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